Eyes For No Eyes

Originally written January 1, 2006

“One: you know that for sure? And two: you know for sure that makes a difference?”

“One: I’d be really surprised if she were. Two: seems like it.” We sat and thought to ourselves for a bit. The fear that Patrick’s hypothesis had evoked in me was abating, and I could regain my rationality. Gradually I realized there was no foregone tragedy of trust. Though his explanation held water for now, it was nonetheless easily tested. “Kiddo, you can test to see if you need to be an old soul to use the charms. You’re on Moshe patrol now. I’ll keep this one with me whenever I might see Jeanine from now on, to see if it vibrates around her or anyplace she might keep the third charm.”

“You’re putting me on Moshe patrol? You want me to use the charm like you do?”

Ooh. Bind. Medusa’s warning not to let a mortal get too wrapped up in the charm. But it could be that Jeanine is the one already doing that. If that’s true, then I may not have to worry about Patrick. In any case, I saw an opportunity for a living lesson. “With me around, if you want. I can keep you in check.”

“If I want?”

“Yeah, only if you want. I trust you. Go out on your own if you think you’ll be OK.”

“But I didn’t even trust…”

“I know. I don’t care. There’s no eye for an eye here.” He didn’t know how to respond. I watched as he tried to absorb it. “You let your anxiety go. That’s something you decide to do: all emotions are a mixture of choice and not-choice. They’re a product of how you interpret your world. If you choose to accept others’ agency, then there’s no reason for your anxiety to be there.”

What I saw in him was complex. I’d suspected he wanted to harness the charm’s power, and that was certainly in evidence now. But I could see he was so genuinely sorry for going over my head that perhaps he had decided in his own mind that he didn’t actually deserve the opportunity. I continued, explaining to him that using the charm at all, much less effectively, involved getting in touch with a part of his awareness he wasn’t used to using. I couldn’t describe it for him, since he would probably have to access it in a very different way from how I had. Eventually, he seemed to accept that the use of the coral charm would be not so much a privilege as a responsibility, but he also seemed much more comfortable with the idea that the responsibility could be his.

The new term starts on Tuesday. I have the misfortune of teaching only evening classes this quarter. During the fall or spring, that can be quite nice, but during the winter, going to and from class when it’s dark out has the potential to grow depressing and exhausting. Anyway, I’ll be seeing plenty of Jeanine, both on and off campus. I should be able to fulfill my part of the new plan quickly.

Although Patrick is now free to use the charm (even if it’s not as though I could or would have stopped him if he had before), we both realize it’s still not necessarily safe for him to hold onto it. He decided to return it to Trudy’s hideaway and only retrieve it when he needed it. We’ve continued to survey the areas in which Trudy has seen Moshe before and will keep going over as long as the weather is mild.